Alright, for you fans of the NBA, the season started back in October, but for the casual fans, Christmas Day is the unofficial start of the NBA season. 5 games are scheduled to keep you distracted from your family hounding you about when you are going to do something with your life. Well first off, Dad, this is something! We have over 800 followers (including Jose Bautista – that guy is the biggest Twitter whore in the game), and anyway, what about you Dad, do you even tweet, bro? Seriously, the only thing more annoying than being asked when you are getting married is the fact that the Lakers and Knicks are a combined 13-40 as of 12/19 and get to play on Christmas, yet good teams like Dallas, Houston and Memphis get snubbed. Christmas Day hoops is supposed to be the NBA showcasing their product, and I find it hard to believe that watching JR Smith untie people’s shoes, and watching Robert Sacre get entirely too excited for a layup on the bench, is good for business. Luckily, of the 5 games, at least 3 should be great matchups that feature stars and compelling story lines. So pour yourself a glass of eggnog, dust off your ugly Christmas sweaters (which should be the 2015 jersey concept – you’re welcome Adam Silver!) and join me as I break down the slate of Christmas Day games the only way The Junkies know how.
12 pm ESPN Knicks vs Wizards
I imagine your house at this point of the day is a lot like the 2014-15 New York Knickerbockers, an absolute mess. Just like the wrapping paper crumpled up and spread throughout the house, the Knicks are completely useless. Luckily for the Knicks, this game has interest because the Washington Wizards have a very exciting backcourt that features John Wall and Bradley Beal. Don’t be shocked if they both drop 30. I’d normally recommend getting hammered on spiked nog during this surefire 40-point beatdown, but pace yourself, because good basketball is on the way.
2:30pm ABC Thunder vs Spurs
Don’t forget to switch the TV back from watching A Christmas Story, as I assume you checked out of the Knicks game in the 3rd quarter. Here’s a game meant to be played on this showcase day, the old guard versus the new school. How can you go wrong with KD and Westbrook vs. Duncan, Parker, and Ginobili ( assuming Pop doesn’t sit them all)? I’d suggest figuring out a way to avoid all your relatives, especially your brother Derrick as he brags about fishing with Mark Cuban and owning a helicopter leasing company. So stop taking questions about when you are going to start planning for the future and quit Burger King and get a real job? Joke’s on them – I’m the assistant night manager, when the actual assistant is on vacation (#Baller), and strap in for what I believe to be the second-best game of the day. The Spurs (if Pop doesn’t troll us) will win in a close one.
5:30pm ABC Cavaliers vs Heat
So after punching your brother in the face for being a dick and trying to resist his wife’s sexual advances, it brings us to the most intriguing game of the day. LeBron returns to what he dubbed his “college years” and the most successful part of his career, while the Miami Heat get their first shot at the King after he jumped ship. Your eyes will be glued to this game from start to finish, expect for the few minutes you have to open gifts your great-aunt bought you (thanks for the socks and panda t-shirt, in advance). The Heat are out to prove they don’t need no King, and the King is out to prove his sexy young team is better than the old hags he left behind. Expect an emotional hard-fought victory for LBJ as he puts the Cavs on his back.
8pm Bulls vs Lakers TNT
The family is starting to leave and Christmas Day is coming to a close. Time to settle into the game that makes your ugly Christmas sweater look like Kate Upton doing the Cat Daddy (I can’t get my mind off of that video). The Lakers have become a punchline and the “See how many shots Kobe takes” Show. Pau Gasol returns to L.A. and brings along Tin Man Derrick Rose with him (hopefully he plays, but don’t count on it). With Jimmy Buckets locking down the Old Mamba, another blowout is in the works. The most entertaining part of this coverage will be Charles Barkley talking nonsense and Ernie Johnson acting like he’s interested in what Shaq and Kenny Smith have to say.
10:30pm Warriors vs Clippers TNT
At this point of Christmas Day, you’re probably a little tipsy and exhausted, but if you made it this far, you are the real MVP and shall be rewarded with the best matchup of the day. The best backcourt duo in the game, the Splash Brothers, go up against Gamefly’s spokesman Blake Griffin’s Clip Show. There’s no love lost between these two Western Conference foes – there’s always a chance of a brawl to break out. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer of NBA matchups. It has everything an NBA fan wants in their hoops: a lot of points, star power, a crazy owner, a rocking arena, bad blood and alley-oops (shout out to Jackie Moon’s mother). If you cash it in early and start preparing for your National Gift Return Day by falling asleep early, well, you are softer than Dwight Howard wrapped in Charmin (sorry for stealing your line Kobe). So stay up like a man and watch the NBA at its absolute finest.
Alright guys, there is your NBA Christmas Day breakdown. Whatever you celebrate, and wherever you celebrate it, we here at Junkie Headquarters want to wish you and yours a wonderful and safe holiday. Thank you for all of your support, our fans are the real MVPs (I’m KD crying right now). Till next time fellow Junkies!!