I’ll blow this place to kingdom come – Wild Card, bitches!! It’s Wild Card weekend, baby!! Finally that means no more 49ers or Browns football, no more ties, as well as no more god-awful Thursday Night Football. Those things alone make wild card weekend special. It’s even more special for the Patriots, Chiefs, Cowboys and Falcons, as they all have a bye this week. I would suggest to all of those teams, don’t do anything at all, especially travel. The world will crush you if you enjoy your bye week. Sure, the Giants’ players weren’t on a bye, but they enjoyed the new year in Miami and the world lost their minds. That’s dumb. It didn’t get in they way of their jobs. Be honest, if you had that type of money you would do the same thing. So for guys like Dez Bryant and Alex Smith, you should just sit at home, grab some popcorn, maybe a Vitaminwater, and study the teams you may potentially play next week. I repeat, Julio Jones, Julian Edelman and Jamaal Charles, have zero fun this Wild Card weekend. Maybe if you guys are free, take a few minutes and read Bizzle’s Wild Card Weekend Preview. They probably won’t, but you should. Without further ado:
4:35pm Saturday
Oakland Raiders 12-4 at Houston Texans 9-7
This game has lost some of its appeal – well, actually, a lot of its appeal. The QBs you want to be playing in the matchup aren’t, and the two you don’t, are. For the Raiders, Derek Carr was having a career year: 28 touchdowns and 3,900 yards and even some MVP talk. Finally, the Silver and Black were actually back and they were for real. Well, Carr won me a fantasy football championship, then broke his leg. Matt McGloin started week 17, and he got hurt as well. Now, enter rookie Connor Cook who, before the week 17 relief appearance, we last saw him getting destroyed by Alabama in the College Football Playoff. Luckily for Cook, he’s got a great offensive line and running game behind him, and a stud wide receiver in Amari Cooper.
For Texans fans, they finally got what everyone wanted when Bill O’Brien benched Mr. “I Can’t Throw a Football More Than 4 Yards Downfield” aka Brock Osweiler. In came Tom Savage on his majestic white horse and saved the day for Texans fans, hell, football fans everywhere. Finally, no more Osweiler making DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller obsolete. Fantasy owners everywhere hadn’t exactly been thrilled about that. Well, of course the football gods had to take away everything wonderful about Tom Savage by concussing the shit out of him. The football gods have single-handedly taken away everything wonderful and pure about this Wild Card game. Thank God it’s the Saturday afternoon special.
As I’ve stated before, I’ve got kids and things to do so I might skip this one. Sure, Connor Cook could become the next Tom Brady (doubtful), but the Lord knows who Brock Osweiler is, and the only reasons he is here are because Texans’ management is dumb and someone had to win the AFC South. Whatever the over/under is for this game, you should definitely take the under and probably just watch the fourth quarter, because points will be impossible to come by, especially if Connor Cook isn’t the second coming of Ken Stabler. Tough decision here, but my hatred for Osweiler is going to break the tie.
Raiders 17 Texans 12
8:35pm Saturday
Detroit Lions 9-7 at Seattle Seahawks 10-5-1
It’s safe to say that the Seattle Seahawks are the New England Patriots of the West Coast. No matter what happens they manage to get into the playoffs. Whether it be key players leaving via free agency, injuries or even having a tie on their record, it won’t keep them outside of the playoffs. Pete Carroll and Co. always get in, and that’s all you have to do to give yourself a chance to win the whole thing. It could also be that that Seattle plays in a weak division that includes 49ers and Rams teams that make train wrecks seem mild. Even with a down year from Russell Wilson – which I’m all but convinced had to do with finally tying the knot with Ciara and breaking his vow of abstinence, which meant he had to put more strain on his body. Maybe it’s just me, but those certain activities can exhaust a person, especially if out of practice. So I can understand why he seemed a bit off all season, even if it cost me a chance to repeat my previous years fantasy success, thanks to Ciara.
Whether or not she really had anything to do with Wilson’s play this season, they still managed to get into the playoffs and are a heavy favorite against the Lions, who surprised quite a few people by making it in the first place. Who would have thought that losing Megatron, Calvin Johnson, would mean a a playoff berth? I know I didn’t. Funny, Megatron retires from football, probably because he was sick of losing, only to lose on Dancing With The Stars to Laurie Hernandez, an Olympic Gymnast. That doesn’t seem even remotely, fair but thats another article altogether. That said, the Lions basically controlled their own destiny the final three games, but decided to go 0-3. One win and the division was theirs, but no, they had to give it away to the red-hot Packers in true Lions fashion.
Now they are being counted out by everyone and rightfully so. Seattle is no easy place to get a win even if the Seahawks are not as dominant as in years past. But you brought this on yourselves and Jim Caldwell should be thankful that Jim Bob Cooter isn’t taking his job in Detroit. Man, I love saying Jim Bob Cooter. For that reason and that reason alone:
Lions 23 Seahawks 17
1:05 pm Sunday
Miami Dolphins 10-6 at Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5
So here I am in a very tough spot while previewing and predicting this particular matchup. Earlier this season the Dolphins put it to the Steelers. Well, back to my dilemma. So my wonderful and amazing fiancee is a die-hard Steelers fan, and I happen to be a Bengals supporter (unfortunately). Naturally, I have a distaste for the black and yellow. This has me hoping they lose because I’m sick of hearing about all their success and personally, I think Terry Bradshaw is an idiot and can’t wait until he retires from Fox. Sorry to get off track but if you are reading this you know we tend to do that.
The Steelers are finally for the first time going to play a playoff game with the three B’s all healthy: Ben, Bell and Brown. From a purely football perspective it’s about damn time to see what this offense can do. The Dolphins will have their hands full stoping the B’s. I’m still shocked that Miami is even here. If you would have said they will lose Ryan Tannehill at any point and make the playoffs, I’d have laughed. Hell, you could have said with a healthy Tannehill they’d make the playoffs and I’d call you slightly crazy.
Unfortunately for Tannehill, Matt Moore has been serviceable since taking over in week 14 and has the Dolphins on the right track going 2-1 to close out a 10-6 record. A playoff win for Moore could help answer the question of whether or not Tannehill is a top quarterback or just another overrated top pick. Moore isn’t going to be expected to do this all alone on Sunday afternoon, as he has breakout running back Jay Ajayi who made fantasy football junkies cream their jeans with his stellar play. Ultimately, it will come down to the defensive line and Ndamukong Suh, getting pressure on Big Ben, and holding Bell to a modest day, That’s been hard to do since he came back from a suspension he got due to smoking the chronic or missing a drug test for enjoying the stickiest of the sticky – ultimately the same thing.
Sure, the Steelers on paper look like the smart pick here, but as but as Charlie Kelly famously once said, “Wild Card, Bitches!” So in true wild card fashion, I’m going Dolphins! Now, I’m sure if my Fiancee reads this, she’s not going to be thrilled by the previous statements made in this prediction. I can only hope that the couch is kind to me tonight.
Dolphins 34 Steelers 27
4:40pm Sunday
New York Giants 11-5 vs Green Bay Packers 10-6
It’s that rare time that both Aaron Rodgers and his brother Jordan are both relevant at the same time. For those who are unaware, have no fear, I’m here to connect the dots. Obviously, Aaron is relevant for being the best quarterback in the NFL and leading the Packers back from a 4-6. dead in the water record to win the final 6 games and the NFC North – which I called, so look at me now haters! Blah blah blah, Jordy is back, we are going to be better than 10-6, they said, guess not.
When it comes to Jordan, well, the Bachelor is back and better than ever with Nick attempting to find love for the 4th time, which means you’ve seen Jordan and Jo-Jo showing their support and giving advice in preview shows. Which got me thinking, do you think that Jordan is rooting for the Giants just to spite his brother, who apparently cut off the family years ago and hasn’t spoken to Jordan in years? Unlike Aaron and Jordan, Eli and his brother seem pretty close and you may have heard of him. He’s pretty famous. Cooper Manning. In all seriousness, if the Giants make a run and win the Super Bowl that would make Eli 3-0 in Super Bowls and give him a commanding lead over Peyton, who is now retired and doing Papa John’s commericals at an alarming rate. If Eli goes three for three in SBs, does that make him better than his brother Peyton? Some people that buy the “he has more rings” logic would think so.
Would Eli surpassing Peyton cause a Aaron/Jordan type rift amongst the Manning brothers? Will Odell Beckham Jr. marry any more sideline equipment? Maybe Eli Apple’s mom will let her son stay out past 10 if he wins a Super Bowl. I have so many questions and intrigue on the Giants side, but I am all in on all things Bachelor. I’m first in my Bachelor fantasy pool by the way. So Green Bay, will you accept this rose?
Packers 33 Giants 21
Well, there you have it folks. I’m sure I’m wrong and if so, you’ll all tell me about it. Until next week Junkies Nation, enjoy the Wild Card games and a Happy New Year to you all!!
The Junkies 