What an uneventful and boring Wild Card Weekend. I mean, what the hell? No upsets, not a single close game – talk about a snoozefest. Well NFL, you get a chance to redeem yourself with the divisional round of the playoffs. Dallas, Atlanta, New England and Kansas City are ready to join the fun, hopefully. I don’t know if I can sit through another week of lopsided games, which is pretty much why I will be avoiding the Texans- Patriots game – that has ass whipping written all over it. Which probably means it will be a close game and be a Texans upset – yuck.
I haven’t had the greatest track record in picking football the last few weeks – thanks Clemson, for adding insult to injury. Of course I’m struggling now that people actually ask my opinion these days. So even though I’ll probably miss on every single pick and Brock Osweiler will become the greatest thing since Kate Upton, I once again present my predictions for the NFL playoffs. What am I thinking?
Seattle Seahawks 10-5-1 vs Atlanta Falcons 11-5
Mr. Nice Guy himself, Matt Ryan, seems to have finally put everyone on notice that he is among the elite at the quarterback position. He’s having an MVP worthy season, leading the offense that scored the most points in the NFL, and getting that elusive bye in round one. What’s your prize? Oh, it’s just the always tough Seahawks. Matty Ice can’t seem to catch a break.
Everyone has Seattle in this game, and can you blame them? They have the pedigree, the defense (even without Earl Thomas), and the running game seems to be on track. So why would anyone go against the Seahawks? Well, I am and I’ll tell you why.
I play in two fantasy football leagues and I had Russell Wilson in one and Matt Ryan in the other. In one league I finished dead last and in the other I won the championship. I think you see where this is going. Russell Wilson, you let me down. Sure, it wasn’t all your fault but it’s not all on Dan Marino that he never won a Super Bowl either, yet it’s held against him. I’m applying the same logic to fantasy football. Yeah, I may have made some poor draft choices but it’s a quarterback driven league right? In my other league I took Matt Ryan very very late in the draft – hell, I didn’t even want him. But I took a flyer because he’s a nice guy and boom he became an MVP candidate. Did I mention Ryan helped win me my first championship? So maybe I’m lucky, or maybe I know more about fantasy football than I thought.
Couple Matt Ryan with Julio Jones, arguably the best receiver in the game, and that is a tough thing to stop. Earl Thomas won’t be walking through that door and without Thomas in the lineup Jones had 7 receptions for 139 yards and a score in these teams’ regular season meeting. Being at home against a weakened Seattle defense will be the difference in the game as Ryan and Jones make Richard Sherman their….well, you know. Let’s just say it will be a long day for Sherman.
Atlanta 34 Seattle 21
Houston Texans 9-7 vs New England Patriots 14-2
Seriously, Brock Osweiler, you finally have to play a decent enough game to make my rant against you pointless? Well, I refuse to back off my stance that you are beyond overpaid and a terrible quarterback. Thank God this Texans season will come to an end this Saturday night. Do I believe the Osweilers have any remote chance to beat the Patriots? Absolutely not.
I don’t need a statistical breakdown to call this one, all I need is that Houston got shut out 27-0 in week 3 to a guy who I repeatedly confuse for a classy sandwich, Jacoby Brissett. Sure, teams change over the course of a season. The Texans finally have Jadavon Clowney playing like a top pick, but what they don’t have is arguably the greatest quarterback of all time in the fold.
Tom Brady missed the first four weeks of the season because his balls were a little flat. That didn’t stop him from being in the MVP discussion and put up a 28 touchdown 2 interception “Eff You” season. Tom and Company are locked in and on a mission to shake hands with a sure to be not too pleased Rodger Godell. I know it’s wrong in a lot of circles to root on the Cheaters, but just imagine that podium. I hope Brady pulls back his hand and dabs all over that fool. Usually I’m long-winded with these predictions but all I’m going to say is, we are on to the AFC title game.
Patriots 38 Texans 17
Green Bay Packers 10-6 at Dallas Cowboys 13-3
Is there anything in this world hotter than Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers right now? Off the top of my head, a few things: Our queen Kate Upton doing the Cat Daddy here’s the link https://youtu.be/MCUnWIs88CQ,Hatchimals – those god-awful creepy Furby looking things that I couldn’t find my daughter for Christmas unless I wanted to drop a grand on eBay – and there’s always Maryse, the Miz’s wife. And if you don’t know who that is, or who the Miz is, honestly I can’t be friends with you because the WWE is awesome and anyone who doesn’t agree is a bona fide hater.
Maybe, just maybe, the only thing hotter than Aaron and Company is that rookie duo of Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott. While it was expected that Zeke would find success behind the best o-line in the NFL, Prescott was a big surprise. He was a 4th round flyer and was going into this season expected to be the 3rd string quarterback and learn from Tony Romo. Well, Romo gonna Romo, and he got hurt in the preseason – so did backup Kellen Moore.
Enter Dak, who managed to not screw things up in Dallas. He’s played himself into the Rookie of the Year discussion and even whispers of MVP talk. Was it Dak or was it all the talent around him? I call this the Rondo theory. Remember when Rondo was the Point guard in Boston and had KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce around him? Well I to this day I argue I could have out up decent assist totals and points surrounded by 3 future Hall of Famers. Is the same true for Dak? Case in point: Best running back in football, best offensive line in football, a sometimes head case but always great receiver in Dez Bryant, and oh yeah,one of the all time best tight ends in Jason Witten. I’m not saying he was awful, and I’m sure loudmouth Cowboys fans will bash me for that take, but it’s not as if Prescott had the Cleveland Browns roster in front of him.
By the way, is there any more annoyingly loud fanbase than Cowboys fans? You guys act like you’ve won something in the last 20 years – but I guess flaunt it if you got it. Last week I rolled with the Packers because of Jordan Rodgers and Jo-Jo, and if you listened to our radio spot on the Pat Doherty show, I was planning on going chalk. But because of my love for The Bachelor and the fact that the Packers are the only team I got correct last week, I am rolling with the Packers again. Hail Rodgers will crush the hearts of Cowboys fans everywhere and Twitter will explode.
Packers 27 Cowboys 24
Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5 vs Kansas City Chiefs 12-4
Talk about a game of polar opposites. (Get it? Polar? Because they’re playing in an ice storm? Oh, forget it.) On one hand you have the Steelers, with Dancing With The Stars contestant and twerk legend Antonio Brown, Le’Veon Bell, who enjoys the kindest of the kind and the stickiest of the icky, assistant coach Joey Porter, who loves getting arrested, and oh yeah, Big Ben. We all know what may or may not have happened with him. The Steelers are chock full of storylines and excitement – that’s going to happen when you have stars at all three skill positions. Hell, even Mike Tomlin is capable of tripping guys during games.
Well, for Kansas City, they are the exact opposite of excitement. The most exciting thing about the Chiefs is probably Andy Reid’s mustache. Hell the Quarterbacks name is Alex SMITH – is there a more boring name in the NFL? The only way his name would be more boring would be if his name was Boring McBoringson III. If NFL Sunday Ticket had a rating system of how many out of market people watched a Chiefs game, I’m sure it wouldn’t be very high on the list. That being said, they get the job done and win football games. I picked them preseason to go 12-4 so I’m not totally surprised at their success but I know a lot of you casual fans probably are, and couldn’t even tell me which state Kansas City plays in. (Here’s a hint, it’s not Kansas.) Well in an effort to win back some good graces of the future wife I’m going to take the Steel…
Wait a second. You know what, I’m going Chiefs and it’s because I saw the way you looked at Antonio Brown when he’d go shirtless on DWTS, miss fiancée, don’t think I’ve forgotten. Let’s go Chiefs! Can’t wait to see the state of Kansas…I mean Missouri represented in the AFC title game. #CouchGuyStrong baby!
Chiefs 33 Steelers 24