The time has come for the Super Bowl, and with it the Junkies’ annual tradition of picking the game.
This year, for the seven billionth consecutive time, we have the New England Patriots representing the AFC, but the Super Bowl will feature a dash of new blood as the Atlanta Falcons represent the NFC. The Falcons being in the game makes the NFC South the first division since the NFL realigned in 2002 to have all four teams play in a Super Bowl. Of course, outside of Atlanta, which is making its first post-realignment Super Bowl (in 1999 the Falcons were still in the NFC West, which is still hysterical), the only South team not to win is…my team, the Carolina Panthers. Pause for crying.
But you didn’t come to this preview to see me introduce the teams or cry about my own team’s failures. You came to get the Junkies’ Super Bowl take and their pick. I don’t know what Bizzle is going to do with his pick, outside of knowing he will reference The Bachelor several times, but I’ll make mine very simple: The Patriots are going to win. They’ll win by two touchdowns. Let’s call it 37-23.
I hate it, because I’m just sick of the Patriots, but they are going to win. They have the better team, even with tight end Rob Gronkowski sidelined with an injury. New England has a far better defense. They have the better coach, as they have in every game they have played the last 16 years. Atlanta’s only advantage is offensive weaponry; the Falcons possess one of the game’s best receivers, in Julio Jones, and maybe its top running back tandem, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman.
This win will put to bed any remaining debate about the greatest quarterback of all time. Some of you may have read my post a couple of years ago basically whining that Tom Brady had now surpassed Joe Montana in my eyes, and he’s now advanced to his seventh Super Bowl, more than any player in league history. Whatever you might say about the caliber of competition in his division, the good fortune he has enjoyed (stupid Tuck Rule), and whatever else — and believe me, I have — you can’t argue the results. Brady’s the only quarterback to make seven Super Bowls, and he’s about to be the only one to win five. He can also tie Montana with three Super Bowl MVP awards if he wins this one — and it seems hard to believe New England will win without him winning that.
With that, hopefully New England will go away soon. Much like my feelings toward Alabama, I have nothing in particular against the Patriots other than the fact that I’m just tired of them. There comes a point where there’s no utility in even rooting against a sports dynasty because of the inevitable outcome, and New England surpassed that point some time ago. I know Brady will not retire after this game (in any case, I have him locked up to a keeper contract in my fantasy football league for next year, so I guess I hope he doesn’t), but hopefully that day will come soon. I’d like someone else to have a turn.
With that, I’ll turn it over to Bizzle, who surely has Bachelor, WWE and fiancee-related thoughts about this game.
A-Rob is just Jealous of the love I have for The Bachelor, mainly Corinne, the WWE, that Rumble was weak but Cena/Styles put on the match of the year and it’s only February. I failed to make mention of the WWE and my fiance in this Preview because I can’t be distracted as I give out my final NFL rose of the season. So A-Rob, you shut your mouth when your talking to me!
As we sit here today, 20 weeks since the start of the NFL season, I’m completely torn between two teams. Who gets my final rose? Sure, I didn’t pick these two teams at the start of the season but this isn’t the Bachelor, it’s real life. I don’t get to chose who I watch in the Super Bowl. So here I am with one final prediction of the 2016 NFL season and as torn as I am, I must only choose one. The New England Patriots and I have had a long relationship built on lies and sure, there has been a little bit of cheating – or at least one of us has defined it as cheating. All that said I know what I’m getting with Tom Brady. Sure, his balls are a little underwhelming but he’s as reliable as they come. He and the Patriots are hands down the best modern dynasty and when every season rolls around, you know you’ll find yourself here in the playoffs hoping this team fails because of all the times they hurt you in the past. So you fight it every day, even when people say you’re wrong for going back to the Patriots because *insert hot new NFC team* will finally take down your unhealthy relationship.
People just don’t understand when I say the Patriots are good for football and Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time. Yeah, sure, I’ve been let down in the past – the Matt Cassel year, Eli “Bleeping” Manning (twice), the Peyton Manning year, Spygate, Deflategate, and a certain former tight end out of the University of Florida who loved murdering people. You guys just wouldn’t understand. They are great for football and most certainly will not let me down in Super Bowl 51 and deny me and the rest of the world what will go down as the most awkward trophy ceremony ever between the Patriots and Rodger Goodell. Even with all that said, I’m just not sure the Patriots can get it done because there is that new, sexy and exciting team in the Super Bowl and they are a lot of fun. The Falcons play fast and score often. The Atlanta Falcons are the type of team that keeps you out drinking until 3 a.m. and is back up at 11 a.m. day drinking the day away. Julio Jones and company have a way to keep them on your mind, you can’t help but think about leaving the Patriots for an explosive offense that was number one in the NFL, a quarterback that doesn’t wear Uggs but does wear lingerie (see photo).
I don’t know the context of that photo but all I know is Tom Brady would never do that for you. Sure, he’d get you rings but would he ever make it about you? They also have a head coach in Dan Quinn who was the defensive coordinator of the last sexy team the NFC produced, only this time he’s got the studs that team didn’t have, or at least that’s what you are telling yourself.
As I ramble through this insanely tough decision, the final decision of the NFL season, what’s a boy to do? Two very interesting choices who can end your season on a high note but who can also make you the laughingstock of the Internet community. New England, you’ve been here before and I know what to expect day in and day out. Atlanta, new and exciting – I have no idea what to expect, greatness or a train wreck, but you’re new so I’m so very interested. As I drop to one knee for the final time, in hopes of going into the 2017 season knowing I know more than my colleagues. Will you, the New England Patriots, marry me in this Super Bowl 51 venture and accept my final rose for the final game of the season? Sure, you’ve done some stuff and I’ve done some stuff, but we both know how right this feels and I’d like to keep feeling this way forever, or at least until baseball season begins and I can get back with my first love, the Chicago Cubs aka your World Champs. #NeverForget.
Patriots 37 Falcons 24
MVP: Tom Brady aka GOAT
The Baldness is out of this Preview due to an illness that has sidelined him indefinitely but still want to give you guys his prediction: Patriots 31 Falcons 21 get well Baldy and to help you get through the sickness here’s a picture of Giselle.
Alright #Junkiesnation let’s hope it’s a good game either way. Glad A-Rob could stop on by to give you guys some actual football knowledge and not the nonsense Bizzle spits out. Can’t wait to hear A-Rob cry, whine and hopefully write another Tom Brady Rant after the Patriots win. For Bizzle he will much like the halftime preformer be caught in a bad romance with his pick. As for Baldy he’s probably just hoping to not be puking his brains out come game time! Now on to Spring Training!!